His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion -- "any chance a ma hole?"
The good lady in question perhaps overexcited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of picked onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant.
This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply "Awaity fuck ya bam".
Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.
Unprepared by this slight rejection the man drives enthusiastically to perform such a service for his wife. A breakdown in communication often leads to problems. The man may emerge from below, his face like wet tomato, uttering a pointed but tender rebuke, "Bastard, you could have told me it was your bad week.
If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.
An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read the woman likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "shite, arsehole". The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as "Are you sure it's in?".
Given his level of sexual expertise the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big "man".
Eventually its all over. The man rolls over, falls asleep, and commences snoring like a pig.
There's no one in the world performs quite like a Scotsman -- a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.